Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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