remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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