i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i just made my gag reflex go away.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
