someone threw a dead crab at me
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
