Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The power of my boobs compel you
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
