someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
