tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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