Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
