how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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