I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
