Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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