Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
