Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
