I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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