Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
