I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
