You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
