Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
