I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
