even my farts smell like vagina
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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