Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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