My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
