You smell like stripper and shame
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
