So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
