It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
