My nipple is on Facebook.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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