apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
