Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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