you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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