saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
