i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
