tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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