i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
