did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
