i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
