New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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