we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
