she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
