I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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