i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
if i can run in heels then i can drive
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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