Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
