You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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