I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
as a side note pls kill me
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