A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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