wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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