YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
