you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
