Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
