What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
