Your face is a jimmy john
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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